Innocent Smile
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This is something that I wrote back in 2010. It was a very different time in my life and today for some reason it showed up in my life again. Reading it brought back many emotional memories of my mindset and where I was in life. Being older is allowing the wisdom to know better and understand myself better.
The following story contains sections that you might want to avoid reading if you are currently going through mental health-related moments, where you know you don’t want to be triggered.
Innocent Smile by Shaun Zietsman
I open a window and sit slowly on the warm ledge. The gentle breeze of the southern wind blows onto my face, and I close my eyes and sigh.
“Why?” I whisper in a zombie-like voice. After a few moments of silence, I open my teary eyes and stare at the people who are busy with their normal lives, focused on nothing except their daily tasks.
From the window ledge, I see a small boy taking a walk in the park, holding an older man’s hand. The older gentleman looks prestigious and proud of this boy, most likely the boy being his grandson. The boy leaves the older man’s hand and runs off to chase a bunch of birds, vibrantly laughing with the biggest most perfect smile on his small flawless face. The smile immediately transfers to the older gentleman as he looks upon his kindred spirit.
I smile; it’s been a while since a smile crossed my face. The sun is glaring onto my skin, and I feel dizzy from food deprivation – not a new feeling to me. I silently sit on the ledge, my heart beating so loud that I can hear every thump and bumping noise that is made.
Suddenly, a moment’s tranquillity is shattered by the sounds of gunfire and sirens. I frightfully look down and see a car crashing into a tree. As quickly as I heard the noise of a gunshot, the police surround the car crash, guns ready to fire towards robbers who thought they could get away with a stolen car. I smile; the people were caught. Evil men can be locked up to protect the innocence of smiles.
The sun is getting heavier to breathe in, and the window ledge is starting to burn my skin. “NOOOO!!!!!” I hear a loud scream from a male voice. I look down to where the sound came from and see the prestigious gentleman that I saw earlier with the boy being dragged away. He’s screaming and fighting while in tears. Policemen are dragging him away. I look for the boy… the sweet innocent boy with the most beautiful smile…
He’s dead. A paramedic walks to his body and throws a white sheet over him. Blood starts showing in the centre of the pure sheet. He was shot, killed instantly.
“Bang, bloody… Bang,” I say out loud in a stuttered voice. The robbers that drove into the tree… one of their gunshots hit the boy. The proudest grandfather watched how his grandson gave the most beautiful smile, and then saw how a bullet went straight through his head, and the boy fell to the floor without a word. The grandfather rushed towards the boy and saw that it was already too late… the boy was gone, yet his smile remained on his face… now a crimson angel.
I smile with tears running down my face. The world comes to a standstill, and my heart beats louder and louder. The only thing I can hear is my heartbeat. I stand up on the window still. No one even looks at me. There are a hundred people walking around. No one notices me. I am invisible to them all. Some are going to work, and others jogging along the road. Some are walking, and others are simply driving to their destinations. Kids are playing, and grown-ups are sitting and thinking, contemplating about what to do next. Life continues, and I stand alone, far up in the sky, observing. Did I mention that my window is on the 10th storey of an old rusty building?
For a moment, I see nothing except black and feel an enormous burning pain. I clench my fist and become more dizzy, struggling to keep my balance.
I smile. My eyes are closed, but my heart still beats. “No one sees me,” I say out loud.
I open my clenched fist, and a razor blade falls from my hand. I slit my wrist… I slit my wrist…
The blood gushes out, the cut raw and skew, veins are cut, and the pain is enormous. But I smile. I look up into the sky, and then I look down onto the streets. I’m losing so much blood as it drips onto the ledge and falls 10 storeys onto the tar road beneath. Within a few seconds, I hear screams being made from where the blood is falling on the tar.
“Oh my gosh, he’s gonna jump!!”
“He’s injured… he’s bleeding!!”
“Somebody get help quick!!”
I smile. Someone noticed… noticed… me. I smile. I am not a nobody. The pain they see now is the pain I’ve had for years. And with a cheerful voice, I say these words, “Happiness is within the eyes of the beholder. Within death, my smile will last forever.” While the last sound touches my dry, cracked lips… I lose consciousness and fall 10 storeys towards the people underneath who is shrieking in agony…
Today you saw me dying, but today I finally got to live.
-End-
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